So many people have asked us over the past 4 years how we could do foster care and love these kids and watch them leave. My answer has changed a lot over the past four years. When we first started, I would typically think my sarcastic answer of "well, I’m a cold-hearted shell of a person, that’s how I can do this”. Of course, that’s not true, but I didn’t really know how to answer that question well. All I knew was that God had called us to it and He would get us through any of those hard moments.
Over the past four years, we have gone through some of the deepest hurt. We lost our first kiddo 11 months after we started. He was our first ever placement and as time went on, it looked like we were going to adopt him. Last minute the caseworker changed her mind and decided he needed to be moved to a relative placement. We were deceived into believing court was cancelled and next thing we knew, he was leaving and there was nothing we could do. We were all devastated. Having to watch the look on his face as we had to tell him he was moving to live with them, was heartbreaking. We also have had to say goodbye to some kids that were a challenge. And even though we felt a since of relief as we said goodbye, it was still so hard to watch them leave with an uncertain future. We have had a baby that was a biological brother to one of our adopted sons leave after 7 months of loving him unconditionally and deeply. When he came, we thought he was staying forever. We dreamed of a future with him in our family. When he left, it not only hurt us, but it hurt our boys. This was the first time they were old enough to feel the pain of losing their brother. Watching them hurt, killed me. When he left, I didn’t know if I could ever do it again. I didn’t think I could love another child and watch them leave. I was done. But God wasn’t.
Quickly after our sweet baby left, God broke down all of my walls. He taught us that if we could survive loving him and letting him go, we could keep doing it because He would be faithful to be right by our side through every hurt. He reminded me why I’m doing this. He showed me the pain these children feel when they have to leave their parents. Even if they don’t make the best choices, these kids love their parents. When they are removed, every thing they have ever known is taken away. Their favorite toys, the smells they are used to, the food they are used to, all of their family members and friends, everything. And they don’t understand why. They are going through way more hurt as a tiny child than I will ever have to endure by loving them and one day having to possibly say goodbye. He reminded me that they are worth it and that they need us. They need me and my husband to pour love into their lives because they need it to help them heal. They need us to show them who Jesus is because they may never have another opportunity to learn the song Jesus Loves Me or what church is and why it’s important. They need my boys to be their brothers so they can have an example of what a normal childhood is like and what it looks like to be disciplined with love. And our boys are amazing at loving these kids that come into our home. It breaks their heart when they leave and I hate that. But I know that God called us to this life. He called us to love these kids because they desperately need it. And if He has called us, then He has called our boys to be a part of this ministry and He is going to equip them to handle the loss of each child that leaves our home.
When we first started foster care, our hearts were adoption focused. We wanted to be foster care focused, but if we are being honest with ourselves, we were adoption focused. We wanted to build our family. When these kids would come into our house, we would try to remember that they might not stay. We would try for as long as we could to not dream about their future with us. We weren’t very good at this though. We would last a few weeks before we would start imagining our future with them. We would imagine what it would be like if they stayed with us forever. This was a very dangerous thing to do. This caused their departure to hurt so much more. Because when they left, not only did it hurt so bad because we loved them so much and lost them, but we also lost the dream of their future in our home.
This was also a dangerous thing for our foster kids. We lost focus of what our goal should have been, which is family reunification. Family reunification are typically the two scariest words to a foster parent. It means you have to say goodbye, it also means that these kids that you love might be going to an unsafe environment. I have learned though that this should be my first goal. I should fight for their family. I should fight to help their family do what they need to do to get their kids back, if at all possible. As the case comes to an end, if it’s obvious that the family is not going to do what they need to do or if their return to their family is unsafe, than I need to fight for these kids because their safety is ultimately the most important thing. However, I can’t judge the situation from the first few weeks of a case. People can change and I need to do what I can to support that. With our first foster placement after we lost our sweet little boy, I went to the first parental visit with a completely different perspective. I had compassion for the mom because I know what it’s like to lose a child. I told the mom that I wasn’t trying to take her children and that I was going to love them the best I could while they were with me. I told her that I loved her and that I believed that she could do what she needed to do to get them back. She burst into tears and gave me the biggest hug. God reminded me in this moment that I’m not just doing foster care to minister to these kids. I’m doing foster care to minister to these families. Not every moment with biological families are as good as that one was. There are plenty of parents who don’t have this same kind of reaction. But I need to keep doing this for the ones that do. I still deeply love our very first foster placement’s mother. She loves her son with all of her heart. Honestly, she was dealt a bad hand by CPS and if things would have been different, I think she would have gotten him back. I’m so thankful that we went into that placement with a foster care focus. Because I will forever be so thankful for our relationship with her. God used her to help mold my heart to what it is today. A heart that wants to love with the understanding that it could get broken.
I’ve learned that a broken heart isn’t the worst thing in the world. A broken heart causes me to lean on my Savior. A broken heart teaches me and helps me grow in my relationship with Christ. I’ve also learned that if I didn’t accept the risk of having a broken heart, I also wouldn’t have experienced some of the greatest love! I love each of the children that have come into our home with a deep love. Even the harder ones. I’ve learned that a broken heart is totally worth it because my broken heart has helped heal, nurture and love a child’s broken heart. And I will endure a broken heart over and over again if that means I can help a child over and over again.
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